Will the Olympics Not Be Televised?

BEIJING) — Television networks that will broadcast the Beijing Olympics to billions around the world are squaring off with local organizers over stringent security that threatens coverage of the games in two months.

Differences over a wide range of issues — from limits on live coverage in Tiananmen Square to allegations that freight shipments of TV broadcasting equipment are being held up in Chinese ports — surfaced in a contentious meeting late last month between Beijing organizers and high-ranking International Olympic Committee officials and TV executives — including those from NBC.

In response to the complaints from broadcasters, Sun Weijia, head of media operations for the Beijing organizers, asked them to put it in writing, only to draw protests about mounting paperwork.

“I think what I have heard here are just a number of conditions or requirements that are just not workable,” said IOC official Gilbert Felli, according to minutes of the May 29 meeting obtained by The Associated Press. “There are a number of things that are just not feasible.”

Despite the outburst, Sun asked again to have the complaints in writing.

“I just wish to have a kind of document to help me identify the key points,” he said, drawing immediate protest.

“How many times do we have to do that?” asked Manolo Romero, an Olympic broadcasting official.

With time running out before the games open on Aug. 8, the minutes hint that procedures broadcasters have used in other Olympics are conflicting with China’s authoritarian government. Some plans are months behind schedule, which could force broadcasters to compromise coverage plans.

The meeting in Beijing included representatives of nine broadcasters, each of which has paid for the rights to broadcast the Olympics. Top IOC officials and Beijing organizers were also on hand in what one TV executive termed an “emergency meeting.”

Non-rights holding broadcasters — news organizations that have not bought TV rights to cover Olympic action at the venues — did not attend the meeting but also are concerned about delays and security restrictions.

“We are two weeks away from putting equipment on a shipment and we have no clearance to operate, or to enter the country or a frequency allocation,” said Sandy MacIntyre, director of news for AP Television News. APTN is the television arm of The Associated Press.

Unnerved by protests on international legs of the Olympic torch relay following the outbreak of deadly rioting March 14 in Tibet, China’s communist government seems to be backtracking on some promises to let reporters work as they have in previous Olympics.

The government also has tightened visa rules in the last several months. One target has been students. The government fears many would side with activist groups if protests break out.

The minutes of the meeting show behind-the-scenes dialogue that differs markedly from the IOC’s public statements about smooth cooperation with Beijing organizers. In an interview, one broadcaster who attended the meeting summed up the problem.

“The Chinese are very concerned about something going wrong — and so they are in Olympic gridlock,” said John Barton, director of sport for the Asia-Pacific Broadcasting Union, which represents broadcasters in 57 countries.

“This is the greatest moment in their sporting history,” Barton said. “They’ve built a stage on which they want to perform, but they are rather queasy about how it should be shown.”

“They are suffocating the television coverage in the crazy pursuit of security. They can’t secure the event. Nothing can be totally secure, yet they are trying to do that.”

Chinese officials say more than 500,000 people will handle security during the games, equaling the number of foreign visitors expected. Public security officials said a few days ago that protests won’t be allowed — unless protesters get a permit — with arrests or expulsion likely. Some athletes in Beijing also are expected to speak out against Chinese policies on Tibet or Darfur.

The rights-holding broadcasters generally lauded the organizers’ preparations, but worried about being stuck in a quagmire of security requirements. The meeting was held under the auspices of Beijing Olympic Broadcasting — also known as BOB.

BOB is a joint venture between the Beijing Olympic organizers and an IOC subsidiary. BOB coordinates and provides technical services for the television networks with rights to broadcast the Olympics, such as NBC.

Gary Zenkel, the president of NBC Olympics, told the meeting the issues “can be solved” and suggested the prospects are better than Athens or Turin, where he described some unspecified problems as “irresolvable.”

“This can be the world’s greatest Olympics,” Zenkel said, crediting Beijing organizers. But he said certain “obstacles” are hindering the organizers.

“I don’t know who they are or how to get to them collectively, but we must get to them,” Zenkel added. “Because these games will suffer and these problems will be presented to the world and they don’t do justice to these Olympics. … This is a big day for China and the Olympics and it may be lost if there isn’t any immediate change or movement made by the government, or whoever. It has to happen. We hope the wakeup call is heard.”

Several TV executives were upset there might be no live coverage from Tiananmen Square. This is a change from two months ago when IOC officials in Beijing said China had agreed to allow live coverage. Broadcasters also have been told there’s unlikely to be live coverage from the Forbidden City.

Chinese police fear both might be venues for activists’ protests, which would be a public relations disaster if demonstrations — and police crackdowns — are beamed around the world.

“For us to potentially not be able to do live reports from Tiananmen — the most iconic place in China — is a disgrace,” said Scott Moore, executive director of Canada’s CBC Sports. “I’ve been told that to do business in China, you have to have patience. We don’t have time to have patience. The games have begun for us already.”

TV executives appear skeptical they will be able to deliver the kind of coverage they have in past games. Some say Chinese officials are requiring that forms be filled out specifying where satellite trucks will be each day of the games. The IOC says about 2,000 TV trucks usually go in and out of Olympic venues every day during the games.

These kind of restrictions could make it very difficult for TV crews to move quickly around the sprawling city to cover breaking news. Broadcasters also have been denied permits to record aerial views of Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City.

Relaxing the rules and allowing Olympic broadcasters to avoid government censorship was one of the concessions China made to land the games in 2001. Now officials appear to be nervous about it, with TV executives complaining that high-tech TV equipment has been held up in Chinese ports.

Sun Weide, a spokesman for the Beijing organizing committee, denied there were delays in getting equipment into China.

“As far as we know, the importation of broadcast equipment has been going smoothly,” he said.

Any interference with news coverage will be at odds with promises made seven years ago when Beijing was awarded the games. At the time, Wang Wei, the executive vice president of the Beijing organizing committee, said the news media would have “complete freedom to report on anything when they come to China.”

The government enacted a law 18 months ago giving foreign reporters “free access” to report. The law has been helpful, although some areas of the country — such as Tibet — are still off limits. Reporters still complain of harassment, particularly away from Beijing where provincial authorities seem unaware of the new rules.

“In Athens we were pretty much allowed to film whatever we wanted, wherever and whenever,” said Tomoyo Igaya, senior program director for Japan’s NHK Sports and head of the Japan consortium, an Olympic pool that represents NHK and five Japanese commercial broadcasters.

Igaya attended the May 29 meeting and told colleagues she thought the disputes could be resolved. She also raised the specter of more pressure if they are not. She hinted at unspecified “legal-financial” action.

Igaya said China might be forced to loosen up with more than 30,000 accredited and non-accredited journalists expected to cover the games, which Chinese officials hope will polish the country’s image as the rising political and economic power of the 21st century.

“We’ve been talking about this internally for some time,” Igaya said. “Maybe when there are thousands of broadcasters and press in Beijing, maybe they won’t be able to keep an eye on every single person. There will be just so many. But on the other hand, it’s China — you know the population of the country. You could maybe have people keeping an eye on every journalist and broadcaster. Who knows.”

“I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes well.”

Ivanovic, the New No. 1, Is Also Tops in Paris

PARIS — It was time for another French Open women’s final, and although the four-time winner Justine Henin was still on the grounds, she was no longer on the clay.

With Henin retired and watching from the front row, it was time for a new Grand Slam champion, and it turned out to be Ana Ivanovic, the same young, elegant Serb who had let her nerves get the best of her against Henin in last year’s flop of a final.

Ivanovic is a better, fitter, more composed contender now, and on Saturday, she filled the void at the top of the clay-court game in style by defeating 13th-seeded Dinara Safina of Russia, 6-4, 6-3.

“Obviously, the nerves were still there, but that’s normal,” Ivanovic said. “Last year’s final was a great learning experience for me.”

Ivanovic, 20, was already guaranteed to become No. 1 in the women’s rankings Monday after beating her Serbian compatriot Jelena Jankovic in the semifinals. Now, she has her first Grand Slam singles title along with the top spot, and Serbia, once an international pariah, has its latest reason to organize a celebration in Belgrade.

In January, Novak Djokovic became the first Serbian man to win a major singles title, at the Australian Open. “Going into today’s final, I thought of it,” Ivanovic said. “I said: ‘Come on. He could do it. I could do it, too.’ So it’s something that for sure motivates, and I hope also many young kids will get inspired from us.”

Ivanovic is a towering fast talker with a trump card of a forehand. Although she has a friendly, upbeat disposition — unlike some of the harder-edged women’s stars over the years — she had to overcome major adversity to become a major champion.

Ivanovic was part of the remarkable Serbian tennis generation that developed despite the internal conflicts linked to the breakup of the former Yugoslavia. At 13, she was reduced to training on a makeshift court in Belgrade that was in the bottom of an empty swimming pool.

Later, like Jankovic and Djokovic, Ivanovic became an expatriate as a teenager to take her game to the next level. Ivanovic, not considered a can’t-miss junior, based herself in Roger Federer’s home city, Basel, Switzerland, after Dan Holzmann, an Israeli-born Swiss businessman, agreed to finance her career at a time when money and opportunity were drying up.

“I met the family, and 24 hours later, I made the decision to help,” said Holzmann, who added, “I have a lot of people working with me and colleagues and offices, but to hear it from a 15-year-old girl, so committed and so clear, that she wants to be No. 1, I was really impressed.”

With Holzmann’s support, about $10,000 to $20,000 a month in the early years, the family hired the veteran coach Eric Van Harpen, who had worked with the Spanish stars Conchita Martínez and Arantxa Sánchez Vicario.

Ivanovic made her first major impression at 17, when she upset the French star Amélie Mauresmo here and reached the 2005 quarterfinals. But questionable fitness and a tendency to become tight under big-match pressure held her back until last year, when she rolled to the final before winning just three games against Henin.

She failed to control her emotions again in this year’s Australian Open final against Maria Sharapova.

“I had a few sleepless nights after that, honestly,” Ivanovic said. “Part of me was already thinking about possibly holding the trophy, you know. So this time, I really tried to change that and don’t think about that at all and just focus on my game. There were some moments where this thought would still come up, but I managed to control it much better.”

This time, the Russian on the other side of the net was not an established winner accustomed to the pomp and circumstance of a Grand Slam final. Safina, the 22-year-old sister of the former men’s No. 1 Marat Safin, had never been past the quarterfinals of a major tournament.

The differences Saturday were Ivanovic’s forehand, slightly better court coverage and ability to attack Safina’s second serve. Safina still kept it interesting, however, rallying from a 1-4 deficit to 4-4 in the opening set before Ivanovic closed it out. In the second, after losing her serve again early, Safina stayed close by holding serve in a marathon seventh game. But the effort seemed to leave her drained, and she ended up winning just one point in the final two games.

Ivanovic was soon climbing into the stands to hug friends and her parents, Dragana and Miroslava. Back on the clay, she received the Coupe Suzanne Lenglen from Henin, who won it the last three years before retiring unexpectedly last month, citing a loss of motivation.

“I really wanted to try and face her again here and hopefully be better,” Ivanovic said. “But still it was great to see her there and, at the end, when she handed me the trophy, she was really nice, and she said, ‘You know you deserve it, so now it’s yours.’ ”

Holzmann, his investment long since repaid, was among those tearing up in the stands. “Normally, I’m not a very emotional guy,” he said. “But I know what they went through. It’s tough to have a daughter, no money, traveling.”

He added, “I don’t know if I would do that with my kid, but they did it and were committed, so of course I was emotional about them being emotional.”

It was the first French Open singles title for a Serb since the Serbian-born Monica Seles won here in 1992 while representing Yugoslavia.

Seles was Ivanovic’s idol, the big-hitting reason she took up the game.

“I had a chance to meet her and have dinner with her last year in New York, and it was very nice,” Ivanovic said. “I was sitting there with her and I kind of didn’t know what to say. I was like: How can I ask her? I mean she’s such a great champion, and who am I?”

The internal dialogue will presumably be different the next time they meet. Ivanovic is, after all, a Grand Slam champion herself now

2016 Summer Olympics finalists

Chicago has advanced to the final phase of the contest to become host city of the 2016 Summer Olympics, although it has ground to make up on its three remaining rivals before the International Olympic Committee’s 110 members choose the winner Oct. 2, 2009.

The IOC executive committee decided Wednesday to eliminate three of the original seven bidders, Prague; Doha, Qatar; and Baku, Azerbaijan. That leaves Chicago, Rio de Janeiro, Madrid and Tokyo.

Wednesday’s decision was based on evaluations in a report made by an IOC working group. Chicago wound up tied for third with Doha in the rankings. Tokyo placed highest — followed by Madrid — with Rio in fifth. The IOC executive board used the rankings as guidance rather than ultimate selection criteria.

“This is a key hurdle to have passed,” said Bob Ctvrtlik, the U.S. Olympic Committee vice-president for international relations. “Now the bid committee and the city and the USOC and the nation have to unite behind Chicago.”

From information provided by each city, the bids were ranked overall and in 11 areas on a 10-point maximum. Chicago ranked no higher than second in any of the 11 and fifth in three: government support, legal issues and public opinion; sports venues; and transport concept.

To put that in perspective, 2012 Summer Games host London finished third overall behind Paris and Madrid in the rankings at the same stage of the process.”

“We know where we are strong, and we know where we are weak,” Ctvrtlik said. “We respect the analysis that has been done.”

Both the USOC and Chicago 2016 officials expected the report to show concerns about transport, given the aged nature of the city’s subway and bus systems, and finance, since the U.S. is the only country where the games cost is not completely guaranteed by government entities.

Those concerns were well founded.

The report was particularly hard on Chicago’s transport. It cited inconsistencies in the amount the city planned to spend on road and transit projects and said the many sports venues along Lake Michigan are well connected to Lake Shore Drive but not close to rail lines and stations.

“The working group had difficulty in identifying the location of transport projects and therefore assessing the coherence between transport projects and the Olympic Games concept,” the report said.

The low grade in sports venues came from the working group’s worry that four major venues require private funding and “the construction budgets appear low.”

The report also noted that the wording of Chicago’s guarantee does not fully conform with the Olympic Charter, which demands the host city and Olympic organizing committee assume all financial responsibility for putting on the Games.

Chicago has come up with a $1.15 billion guarantee against operations, including $500 million from the city, $500 million in projected operating surplus and a $150 million pledge from the state, which has not been approved yet.

The finalists immediately can begin international promotion of their bids, through advertising, interaction with global media and lobbying of IOC members.

The next formal event in the bid campaign takes place at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, where each finalist will send observer teams to learn first-hand how a Summer Games runs, to assess how they can use the pluses and minuses of China’s organization to improve their own candidature — and to chat up IOC members.

“We will take full advantage of the opportunity to spend the full time in Beijing for the Olympics and Paralympics,” said Patrick Ryan, chairman of the Chicago 2016 bid committee.

“Every candidate city will be there and wanting to communicate as much as they can about their city and their bid — as much as IOC members are willing to take the time to listen to.”

Since the goal is to convince a majority of IOC members rather than the global public that Chicago’s bid is the best, the impact of advertising is diminished.

“We would also like to convince other people of sport who have influence with IOC members,” Ryan said. “People in (international sports) federations. People in national Olympic committees.”

After Beijing, the cities begin working in earnest on the “bid book” — a highly detailed candidature file that generally runs to 400 pages. That file must be submitted to the IOC by Feb. 12, 2009.

The IOC will then send an evaluation commission for three-day visits to each city, likely next April and May. That commission prepares a report released a month before the final vote. It does not contain an official ranking of the candidates.

Since the IOC banned members from making inspection visits to candidate cities — except for business or personal matters — in the wake of the bid city vote-buying scandal that erupted in 1998, many cities have been frustrated in trying to overcome their unfamiliarity to many IOC members.

That is an issue for Chicago. Ryan said fewer than 25 percent of the members have visited Chicago, and Mayor Richard M. Daley told the Tribune Monday the city’s “profile was very important.”

In April, IOC president Jacques Rogge said that to alleviate the familiarity issue, all candidate cities and IOC members would be invited to a meeting at IOC headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland some time next year, probably late spring.

Time to clip Formula 1’s wings – then we’ll really see Lewis Hamilton flying

All this aerodynamic gear is killing the Grand Prix spectacle, with cars unable to overtake and races decided on pit stops rather than driver skill.

‘The problem was graphically illustrated at Melbourne, with Kimi Raikkonen being held up behind Honda’s Reubens Barrichello for 19 laps despite the Ferrari being 1.5 seconds per lap faster…’

Wings are the problem. Not the seventies pop-rock supergroup created to continue to feed Paul McCartney’s over-bloated ego, but the aerodynamics package bolted to F1 cars – and they’re ruining Formula 1.

Despite all of this year’s changes to the driver’s aids – taking away traction and launch control, stability programs etc, to make the racing more even – the F1 bosses have myopically neglected the one thing that would make the most difference.

The massive aerofoils that produce so much downforce that it is theoretically possible to drive an F1 car on the ceiling are the fundamental problem facing Formula 1 today. The hole punched through the air by a modern F1 car makes it all but impossible for a car following to overtake without the leading driver either conceding the position or making a mistake.

The turbulent air zone interrupts the airflow over the following car’s wings, robbing it of its own downforce at the moment that it’s needed most – during cornering. This leads to understeering, slower corner speeds and prevents cars getting close enough to slipstream and then overtake on the straights.

The problem was graphically illustrated in the 2008 season opener at Melbourne, with Ferrari pilot Kimi Raikkonen being held up behind Honda’s Reubens Barrichello for 19 laps despite the Ferrari being 1.5 seconds per lap faster than Barrichello’s chariot. Lewis Hamilton suffered the same problem behind Mark Webber in Malaysia.

Although this is bad enough, it gets even worse. The disturbed air doesn’t flow through the car radiators properly, causing overheating and increased strain on the engine. Raikkonen’s engine blew up a few laps from the end of the race – coincidence? Probably not.

Australia’s former world champion Alan Jones has long advocated the return to slick tyres and reducing the amount of wing allowable to increase the competitiveness of the sport. Many other recently retired drivers have bemoaned the amount of technology that has decreased the downplayed the role of drivers and made the car the real star of F1.

The reputation of Formula 1 continues to take a battering. It is derisively referred to as slot car racing because it is so difficult to overtake. The races are interesting, but rarely exciting and there is something fundamentally wrong with races being decided on pit stop strategy and fuel loads. It should be about the combination of car and driver – that’s what we pay to see.

Having said that, F1 fans are divided into two distinctly different tribes. There are those who love the racing, with overtaking and crashes, who want to see the very best cars and drivers pitted against each other.

On the other hand, there are those who just want to see the pinnacle of automotive engineering in its native environment; they are there for the sights, sounds and smell of Formula 1. There is nothing quite like seeing a live F1 grand prix. It is a feast for the senses and the fact that there is a race thrown in is a bonus – but it’s not why they’re there. Wouldn’t it be nice to keep both groups happy?

Guinness World Records at the Flora London Marathon 2008

An exciting but exhausting day was had on Sunday by Guinness World Records’ very own ‘Team Marathon’. The Flora London Marathon was enormous for us with over 30 record attempts among the 30,000+ runners. From clowns to superheroes, from stilt walkers to Maasai warriors, everyone was up for some marathon record breaking.

We began with an 8am start in Blackheath. The GWR team were there with all of our record attempters at the celebrity start. Some reasonably organised chaos ensued with all of us rushing getting everyone signed up and photographed. We met the team of Maasai warriors who were wedged into the celeb pen with Gordon Ramsay, James Cracknell etc.

Before you could shout ‘Get ready, Set…’ they were off - with our amazing stilt walking lady right at the back. All of our stars were packed into the field - including soldiers, policemen, a scarf knitting lady, one Darth Maul, one Bananaman, one Buzz Lightyear and a chain gang. There was even a young man dribbling a basketball around the whole of the marathon course. The whole scene was very inspirational.

To see them all come through at the end was incredible - whether a record was broken or not. We fully hope that we helped everyone who attempted or was awarded a Guinness World Record to receive as many donations as possible to all the wonderful causes that they were all making such a momentous effort for.

 

These were the Guinness World Records broken:

• Fastest marathon as a film character: James McComish (Darth Maul) 3 hr 55 min 22 sec
• Most linked runners to complete a marathon: Richard Kirk captained a team of 24 Metropolitan Police Officers
• Fastest marathon by a linked team: Oliver Holland, James Kennedy, James Wrighton, Eoghan Murray and Nathan Jones: 3 hr 38 min 24 sec
• Fastest marathon dressed as Santa: Ian Sharman: 3 hr 12 min 27 sec
• Fastest marathon in a military uniform: 5 hr 11 min 42 sec
• Fastest marathon on stilts: Michelle Frost: 8 hr 25 min
• Fastest clown: Jason Westermoreland: 3 hr 24 min 04 sec
• Fastest marathon dribbling a basketball: Jean-Yves Kanyamibwa: 4 hr 30 min 29 sec
• Longest scarf knitted whilst running a marathon: Susie Hewer: 1 m 62 cm
• Fastest marathon dressed as a superheroine: Christina Tomlinson: 3 hr 13 min 33 sec
• Fastest marathon in a fireman’s uniform: Mark Rogers and Paul Bartlett: 5 hr 36 min 12 sec
• Fastest group of Maasai Warriors to complete a marathon: 5 hr 24 min 47 sec

 

We would like to congratulate the new record breakers and welcome them to the family of Guinness World Records. See you at the next 2009 Flora London Marathon!

Kobe Bryant jumps over Aston Martin

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x510iv_real-or-fake-kobe-bryant-jumps-over_sport

The 5 Wimpiest Pro Sports Injuries of All-Time

For most guys, the closest you get to a sports injury is breaking your ankle while drunkenly jumping around in a Space Walk on your 27th birthday. The great thing about being “most guys” is that you get to revise those injuries to “coming down awkwardly after dunking on a big black guy” without getting called on your bullshit.

Unfortunately for professional athletes, their contracts say they have to tell the truth about why they’re not working today. And hence we get honest accounts of wimpdom such as:

Ken Griffey Jr. pinches a testicle with his own cup.

Getting smacked in the balls during a game is probably the manliest injury you can sustain on the sports field short of taking a puck to the face or being mauled by a lion in the Roman Coliseum. Sure, it makes you jump around like a five-year-old girl who has to pee, but it’s the only injury that offers definitive proof of your manhood. But when you administer the punishment yourself, you destroy the magic, wonder and sheer hypnotic rhythm of the nut shot, and go from “wounded soldier every man feels for” to “episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

Griffey is a Hall of Famer when it comes to pussified injuries. He fell into a big slump starting in the 2000 season thanks to a list of bizarre injuries that would make the mother of a redneck backyard wrestler feel grateful. By 2006, he had been held out of play by eight unrelated injuries, the second most embarrassing being a broken throwing hand sustained while wrestling with his son on his yacht in the Bahamas. For his son, who presumably started going by Bone Crusher and wearing a cape to school, this had to have been awesome. For Griffey Jr., who has a reputation of being overpaid and injury prone, the yacht/kid combo probably wasn’t so good.

But the pinched testicle injury managed to top it. Having your balls crushed, like we said is one thing, but there’s just something inherently unmanly about the word “pinch.” It’s something sisters do to each other, or overly dramatic people do to themselves when something good happens. It’s not something you should be doing to your own sack. And by doing it with the device that is supposed to protect your manhood, you’re just adding a layer of Mr. Bean-like slapstick futility that makes people want to buy you an ice cream cone and chuck your chin more than watch you play baseball.

Could it have been worse?
He could have ripped his testicle clean out of the socket while getting it waxed.

Wimp-o-Meter
5–Wedgie Magnet

Cardinals’ kicker Bill Gramatica tears his ACL celebrating a field goal…in the first quarter

Prior to Bill and his brother Martin entering the NFL, it was hard to imagine a field goal kicker sustaining any kind of injury. They’re on the field for an average of 10 plays for the whole game and there’s actually a penalty that says other players aren’t allowed to touch them when they’re kicking.

However, the Gramatica’s hail from Argentina, where people who kick things for a living are allowed to use the same bathrooms as the rest of the population and are in some cases even looked up to. Upon entering the NFL, and apparently having never seen an NFL game before, the Gramatica’s proceeded to celebrate wildly after every made field goal.

Football fans knew it was only a matter of time until a linebacker would say fuck it and deliver a hit that would take that Argentinian joi de vivre down a notch. The only question was whether it was going to be an opponent or a player on their own team. What no one could have anticipated was that, while Gramatica’s shunning of field goal kicker etiquette most certainly angered the other players on the field, it angered God even more.

He scored a field goal against the New York Giants in 2001 that gave his team the first kill on the scoreboard. Ignoring the fact that it was the first half and the field goal was all but meaningless, Gramatica jumped up in celebration and came crashing down on his leg and tore his ACL. It was like a Greek tragedy, and Gramatica’s spastic celebration the very retarded tragic flaw that brought him crashing to earth. This would all be funny if the injury hadn’t transformed Gramatica into the Job of field goal kickers. After recovering, he played two more seasons with the Cardinals, got cut and joined the Miami Dolphins, who also cut him after only one game when he missed his first attempt at an NFL extra point in a game his team lost by one.

He is now the very shaky kicker for the Arena Football League’s Tampa Bay Storm, a team that most people probably assume is a member of the WNBA when he tries to use it to pick up chicks at the bar.

 

Could it have been worse?
He could still be playing for the Arizona Cardinals.

Wimp-o-Meter
6–Noogie noggin

San Francisco Giants’ Manager Roger Craig cuts his hand on a bra.

Most baseball careers see their share of highs and lows, but few have seen as many highs and lows hit at the exact same moment as Roger Craig’s oddly symmetrical career. For every positive accomplishment, there was always a shattering negative aspect to the accomplishment to counterbalance it. As a pitcher and a master of the split finger fastball, he was best known for his bean-hurling days with the New York Mets where he won 15 of the 27 games he pitched in 1963. Of course this was the early ’60s, when the Mets were famous for things like losing 18 straight games in a season, so his accomplishment is about as impressive as being the top sprinter in the remedial PE class that includes the kid who carries his asthma inhaler in a holster.

As a manager, Craig helped turn the San Francisco Giants into a power house in the 1980s. His first five seasons ended with winning records and he helped them pick up a National League Pennant, sending them to their first World Series in more than 25 years. That World Series just happened to be the one in 1989 that was interrupted by an earthquake. If Craig ever threatens to actually win a World Series, you’ll be able to find us in our bunker preparing for a Biblical apocalypse.

So, it’s only appropriate that in the early ’90s Craig took the bench despite seriously cutting his hand on a bra strap. Even though not much is known about this injury, ESPN Page 2 confirmed it and Denver Post columnist Jim Armstrong said Craig admitted it and didn’t even try to concoct a story to cover it up. Apparently, by that point in his career Craig had apparently resigned himself to a life of being close to doing something awesome and instead having something laughably terrible hurled back in his face.

Could it have been worse?
He could have cut his hand trying to undo his own bra strap.

Wimp-o-Meter
9–Third degree Indian burn

Professional disc golfer Ron Russell swung his hand into a tree during a throw at the 2000 PDGA tournament.

Disc golf is not a sport you’d expect to be riddled with hotheaded, short-tempered John McEnroe types. In fact, many of you thought we’d end that sentence after the first six words.

You would be wrong on both counts. Meet Ron Russell. He forged a road to the 2000 Professional Disc Golf Association tournament made of anger, seething rage and flying spittle. If he could have Bob Knighted a folding chair across the course, he probably would have. Of course, the only things to throw on a disc golf course are Frisbees and hippies, and hippies make your hands smell all weird when you pick them up. So Russell used his puzzling rage to propel himself to disc golf “greatness.”

Then fate bitchslapped him. On top of already giving him a gift as pointless as being good at throwing a Frisbee in the woods. For on the fifth hole of one of the gnarliest disc gold courses in America, Russell teed off into a gaggle of pesky trees and had to line up a particularly difficult shot to get out of the rough. Instead he unfortunately lined his hand up with a tree. A PDGA official was a few yards away and described the sound of the tree “rejecting” Russell’s shot as the sound of a small gun being fired, probably wishful thinking since a small gun being fired would be the most manly thing to ever happen on a disc golf course.

As it is, Russell’s getting his ass handed to him by a spruce is the manliest thing to ever happen on a disc golf course, but unfortunately one of the least manliest injuries to ever happen in professional sports.

Could it have been worse?
He could have been playing a real sport, and thus suffered his injury in front of non-hippie spectators.

Wimp-o-Meter
8–Next in line for a swirlee

Manchester City’s David Seaman broke a bone reaching for the TV remote.

Manchester City’s star goalkeeper has had his fair share of injuries on and off the field. Of course, you’re going to get a few boo-boos when you’re constantly in the sights of a world’s greatest forwards whose only job is to get the ball in the net, even if that means kicking it clean through your abdomen. What puzzles us is how such a tough guy can have so many sub-standard injuries off the field. Seaman’s injury record ranks right up there with the all-time greatest English mysteries, right alongside the identity of Shakespeare and the fact that any man, let alone the most powerful man in Wales, would find Camilla Parker Bowles remotely attractive.

Seaman had a stellar soccer career with the Arsenal Football Club, helping them achieve some of their brightest days. In his first season, he allowed just 18 goals, led Arsenal to retain their league title, and set a club record five years later when he allowed 17 goals in all 38 games. Then the injuries began piling up like he was a one man emergency room following a bloody hooligan soccer riot.

First, he pulled a Larry Walker when he ripped out his shoulder trying to reel in a big carp on a fishing trip. But at least fishing is active. He was probably bragging about the fishing injury like it was a bullet he took for the Queen after he broke a bone while reaching for a television remote. We could speculate as to what terrifying booby trap he used to protect his remote control, or when the BBC started airing Mind of Mencia, the only show capable of making people reach for a remote quickly enough to break a bone, but instead we’ll just wonder why the hell he didn’t lie.

Yes, you’re contractually obligated to tell people how you broke your hand, but there are about a million things you could have been reaching for that sound better than a remote and would look no different on an X-Ray. Say you were reaching for a chain saw. Say your hand was hurrying to adjust your immense package out of the way of oncoming traffic when it collided with your balls of steal. Say you were fending off a fucking kitten. This is an injury that you could and should lie about to the person in the next room from you, because they would never know any better.

“Ouch!”
“What?”
“Ummm, nothing. I just punched the wall. Because I’m angry about stuff.”

 

There, was that so hard?

Could it have been worse?
He could have injured himself trying to use The Clapper.

Wimp-o-Meter
10–Pantsed during gym class

The 7 Ballsiest Sports Cheats Ever

You might think that sportsmanship is dead, what with the steroids and signal-stealing cameras in the headlines. And you’d be right.

But what you may not realize is that sportsmanship died long, long ago. In fact, these modern performance enhancers can’t hold a candle to some of the ballsiest and outright insane cheats throughout sporting history.

The Spanish Rig the Paralympics

One thing people would never sully with deception is the Paralympics (which is like the Special Olympics, where people with disabilities compete). Right? Who would stoop as low as that?

The short answer: the Spanish. In an act of desperation so pathetic it inspires pity, some of the players on the Spaniards’ gold medal-winning Paralympic basketball team turned out not be disabled at all. Yes, that South Park episode and that Johnny Knoxville movie both turned out to be based on a true story.

Undercover journalist, Carlos Ribagorda, blew the lid off the scandal. You may assume that only one or two of the overall squad was ineligible, but that would be underestimating the desperation of the Spanish. A whopping 10 of the 12 members of the basketball squad had no mental difficulty. They were just athletes that sucked enough to not make it into the Olympic team.

Based on actual events

Did it work?
The Spaniards were disqualified from the basketball competition and stripped of their title. There was no evidence of any wrongdoing in other Paralympic events, and we’re going to accept that the rest of them were disabled. The alternative, which is that most of their athletes were normal and yet only finished third overall, is too sad to contemplate.

Liston Burns the Gloves

According to Sun Tzu, war is not won by superior might, but by subversion, deceit and trickery. In 1964, when heavyweight champ Sonny Liston went to war with Muhammad Ali (then Cassius Clay) so many of those tactics were used that somewhere in the afterlife, Sun Tzu must be sporting a raging erection.

Sonny Liston was the Tyson of his day (In that he spent most of his time in prison or punching peoples faces off) and the experienced fighter was the massive favorite ahead of the 22-year-old Ali, who was coming off a pair of bad fights against mediocre fighters.

However, after three rounds, Ali wasn’t just winning, he was dancing around and making the champ look like a drunk playing Whack-A-Mole. At the end of the third round, Liston allegedly told his corner to “burn the gloves”, which meant smear them with the ointment they use to close cuts (you don’t want to get that goop in your eyes).

The next round comes and, after a few blows to the face, Ali goes back to the corner and tells them he’s been blinded.

Did it work?
Ali supposedly told his corner he didn’t want to continue, but they shoved him out and he stumbled around, blind, while Liston hammered him. Ali survived the round and won the fight in the seventh, partly because he had engaged in some shenanigans of his own.

From the moment the contract was signed several months before the bout, Ali began his campaign to destroy Liston’s sanity. Ali started showing up to sparring sessions to taunt Liston. He followed Liston to a casino and mocked him for losing, an act that nearly resulted in a fight on the casino floor. He was waiting at a Miami airport, to ambush Liston with rhyming annoyance.

Ali showed up at Liston’s training headquarters with a bus full of girls. He even turned up at Liston’s house in the middle of the night, taking the harassment into stalker territory. When it came time for the actual fight, an unbalanced Liston fell behind early and, despite the poison glove trick, never recovered.

Sun Tzu would have been proud.

Jockey Turns On the Fog Cheat Code

In 1990, jockey Sylvester ‘Sly’ Carmouche lived up to his name and showed how a gentleman woos mother nature. On a bitterly cold day in December, Sly was the shock winner at Delta Downs in Louisiana (the odds against him were 23-1). How’d he pull it off?

Taking advantage of the fog, Sly waited for the race to begin, then let the rest of the pack to run off into the fog. He stopped, then just waited for the other racers to come around the track behind him. At that point he sped up and and left the other racers in his dust.

Did it work?
As with most cheats, it was Sly’s greed that brought him down. People were willing to accept this outside bet winning–anything can happen. However the margin of his victory began to raise a few eyebrows. Even in the tricky conditions, Sly managed to win by an immense 24 lengths (about 200 feet) and only missed the record set on that course by 1.2 seconds.

Soon Jockeys began coming forward saying that they’d never actually seen Sly go past them, something that most people would probably have been slightly suspicious of much earlier, since that pretty much narrows the possibilities to a flying horse or teleportation.

Eventually Sly got a 10-year ban but was reinstated after 8, probably because he found a way to cheat time somehow.

Boris and His Magical Blade

In 1976, the Soviets and the west were in a race to see who could perfect cheating technology first. During the 1976 Olympic games pentathlon, it became clear who had the edge.

 

After the first event the Soviets found themselves in fourth place, right behind the British. During the next event, fencing, Boris Onishchenko made quick work of his first British opponent. Boris was considered the best fencer in the competition, so that wouldn’t have raised all that many British eyebrows.

 

What did raise suspicions was when, during his match, the British captain Jim Fox leaned all the way back and saw Boris’ sword come up a foot short, and yet the buzzer still sounded and the point was awarded. This is basically the equivalent of Shaq stepping up for a free throw, tossing up an air ball and still getting the point.

At this point the British squad called shenanigans and the sword was confiscated. In those events, there is an electronic sensor in the sword that determines when a point had been struck.

It turned out Boris had tampered with the circuit system, allowing him to award himself points at will.

Did it work?
After he was caught, the entire pentathlon team was disqualified and the British won the gold.

As if being caught performing a fairly obvious attempt at cheating, the story still manages to get more embarrassing as, after the confiscation of the sword, the bout continued and Boris ran away as a convincing winner. So the Soviets were from the New England Patriots school of cheating, which says that even if you’re vastly superior to your opponent, you cheat anyway. Just for the pure hell of it.

Dude(?) Looks Like a Lady

Here at Cracked, we’re are all about equality and accurate representation of the facts, so far be it from us to make any unverified accusations. However, if the Press “sisters” weren’t men, then they did a damn good job of acting like they had penises. Are we saying that there are some things that men are just naturally better at? The answer is yes, if we’re talking about having to throw a heavy metal ball really far.

Tamara Press, the eldest of the two sisters, was a leading figure in the shot put and discus from 1958 until she left the sport. Irina Press was a track and field expert. During their reign of dominance, the Press sisters won five Olympic gold medals, a single silver and several more medals in other competitions. They also set 26 world records.

Sure, that kind of record from just two appearances in Olympic games could raise eyebrows, but hey, would you say Ben Johnson was a cheat based solely on his setting an unthinkable world record? Well, maybe that’s not the best example.

People were already questioning the Press sisters, specifically whether or not they were really the Press brothers (yes, people actually started derisively calling them that). Theories ranged from the pair being hermaphrodites (though the rarity of that condition means the odds against both sisters having it are astronomical) to accusations they were injecting male hormones.

This suspicion escalated further when it was announced that gender testing would be implemented for the games … at which point both Press sisters abruptly retired.

Did it work?
The sisters were never formally accused and lived the rest of their lives as heroes in Russia. Many people who support the Press sisters insist that their leaving the sport right when proof was demanded was just unfortunate timing. We’ll let you be the judge.

 

Hitching a Ride at the Tour de France

While simply catching a ride from a car is an undeniably effective way to win a bicycle race, its lack of deniability and general dumb shit blatancy severely detract from this being a usable method of cheating. Or so you’d think.

In 1904, during only the second ever Tour de France, Hippolyte Acouturier thought he had found a foolproof way to sidestep those meddlesome rules that were impeding his chances of winning with little or no effort.

This is Hippolyte. Seriously.

You can’t blame him, back then the Tour de France was mostly shenanigans, with some bike racing in between (for instance, Acouturier had lost the first Tour de France when someone spiked his water bottle).

In fact, accounts of the first races say competitors used everything from nails and broken glass on the road, to itching powder in the opposing riders’ shorts to get an edge. At one point an angry mob randomly attacked some riders and had to be driven away with gunfire. Yes, bicycle racing was about a thousand times more awesome back then.

Being a man of at least some moral fiber, Hippo decided against crippling the performance of his opponents and instead came up with an awe-inspiring method of cheating that would leave other, lesser geniuses, scratching their head in wonder.

He didn’t simply grab hold of the bumper of some car and hold on for dear life, as a lesser man would have. No, he attached a wire to the bumper of the car, and on the other end of the wire was a hunk of cork that he would hold onto.

With his teeth.

While this plan has its merits, we can’t help but think that a slip knot tied to his handlebars would have worked just as well. Only, you know, without the probable need for radical reconstructive dental surgery.

Did it work?
Hippolyte won four of the six stages, but lost the race to another guy who, as it turns out, was also cheating using some other method out of the Wile E. Coyote playbook. Organizers actually wound up disqualifying the top four finishers and awarded the race to fifth-place finisher Henri Cornet, who apparently was the only one who found a way to cheat that wasn’t obvious from a half-mile away.

Harding Goes For the Knees

We couldn’t leave this one off the list, being the most famous, and least subtle, example of cheating in sports history.

What gets forgotten in the story that dominated headlines in the mid-’90s, is that Tonya Harding was, at one time, really freaking good. She was the first American woman to complete a triple-axel jump, or at least the first to do it while somebody was watching. In 1991 she placed second in the World Figure Skating Championships.

But then, around 1993, things started to get weird. She sat out a competition after somebody called in a bomb threat against her … and some claim that Harding called it in herself. She had wandered off from the medal ceremony at a US Championship, which was a problem because she was one of the people getting a medal.

Then, at the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships, Harding took drastic action (and by drastic we mean “OH MY GOD SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE”).

After a practice session Shane Stant, hired in part by Hardings ex-husband, decided to show mobsters everywhere how it’s done by kneecapping favorite Nancy Kerrigan using a metal baton.

Did it work?
Harding did go on to win the event after Kerrigan was forced to pull out. But after the inevitable arrest of Stant (kind of hard to get away with assaulting someone in front of reporters) the other conspirators were also arrested and Harding was prosecuted. Harding only avoided jail time after pleading guilty, and was sentenced to 500 hours of community service and a $160,000 fine.

This was also backed up by stripping Harding of her title and banning her from all future sanctioned events. In probably the biggest understatement in recorded history, attempting to cripple an opponent was referred to as showing “a clear disregard for fairness, good sportsmanship and ethical behavior.”

Things managed to get more embarrassing for Harding as during the winter Olympics just a month after the attack (several months before Harding’s ban started) Kerrigan went on to finish an impressive second. Six places ahead of Harding.

Though perhaps Harding got the last laugh, as she went on to have a successful career in amateur porn and female boxing.

OK, maybe not.